A couple weeks ago, I was going through a particularly rough set of days; my ballet learning curve had flatlined – make that started falling backwards – and for the first time in the semester I started feeling like I was not keeping up so I was feeling extremely low. For some not-so-brief moments, I’d considered dropping out of my ballet class at community college. Which, it being the middle (actually about 2/3’s of the way through) of the semester, meant that I would probably take an “F” on my transcript.
Boyfriend reminded me of this fact, asked me to reconsider.
“Like it matters!” I snapped. “I’ll probably get a bad grade anyway, just like last semester. My progress just isn’t happening fast enough for a good grade. It serves me right, I guess; this class is designed for Dance majors who are fresh out of high school and have years and years of dance experience, ballet or otherwise, under their belt – not for thirty-somethings with very little experience and the wrong body type.”
Boyfriend was like “You can’t quit ballet! I’ve seen how happy it makes you. The whole time I’ve known you, I haven’t seen you that happy about anything!”
I assured him that it wasn’t my intention to quit ballet completely, just perhaps only practice on my own at home and do evening class. But, being completely honest – with myself, with all you readers – I did ponder not going on evenings either, just doing the solo thing for a while. At least until I cooled down and the dark cloud hanging over me dissipated.
When Boyfriend asked if I wanted to go to the dance shop I’d been talking about for weeks (months?) to get some new (split-sole) shoes or a long-sleeve leotard, I pouted (because apparently thirty-somethings still pout). “What for? If I’m going to just be ballet-ing at home anyway I can continue using the shoes I have and I don’t even use a leotard at home. May as well just get some new running shoes instead, at least I’m improving at running!”
Seriously, I don’t know where Boyfriend finds the patience to deal with me sometimes! I should really do something nice for him…
But then, like magic, my dark mood lifted and by the next week I found myself back in class. And for the first time in what seemed like forever there was tangible progress in what had been getting me down the most – my balancing. Just when I’d decided ‘To hell with it; if I improve, good, if not, whatever. I know I’ve improved since I’ve started.’ Let it go, and everything will work out (though it may not always be the outcome you would’ve preferred).
And now I’m thinking ‘Drop ballet class? The thing I look forward to everyday? Why, that would have just been irrational. So what if I’m not progressing quickly, so what if I don’t earn a high grade. It is not that serious. I’m not going to let it keep me away from the thing that makes me happy.’
So that’s what I need to remember when times get tough and I feel like I’m losing it, and fall into the trap of irrationality: It is not that serious.