This post is a little oddball-y…
I had a terrible dream last night. Of course, I don’t remember all the details, since I’m too lazy to make it a habit to write down the details of my dreams on the regular, but I remember that it’s ballet related and it sucked.
I was in class, and it was tough. Tougher than usual. At some point my foot started feeling really sore, not from the top instep part near the ankle, but the bottom. The part where you balance on demi pointe – I guess the ball of the foot. The soreness was becoming pain and I was really feeling like I couldn’t finish out the rest of class.
This is the part where “real life” and “dream life” converge – I remember thinking ‘If I can’t handle this class, there’s no way I’m going to be able to handle taking Winter session (2 hr class daily) plus going to New Studio on the evenings. Not to mention, rehearsals on top of it if I choose to sign up for the next performance in the Spring.’
These thoughts made me overwhelmingly sad, and desperate.
The scene changed. Don’t remember the details of how I got there, but then I was talking to somebody, some kind of trainer or perhaps ballet teacher? I asked him what I could do – should I work to strengthen my body more through cross-training so I can be strong enough for ballet, should I make any other changes to what I’m doing? Eat more protein so that my body can build muscle easier? WHAT DO I DO?
And what did he say? “There is nothing you can do. Each body has it’s own limit, and given your history (my sedentary childhood and teenage years, I’m guessing?) and age, that’s it.” I don’t remember exactly what was said next, but I do remember feeling horribly upset.
I remember thinking that it wasn’t that he said I couldn’t do ballet, but just that there are limits to what I can do. Both that my potential is set at a certain level, and that it will take me more time to get there, since I can’t overtrain my body too much. So while I get to continue doing ballet, I can’t get all obsessive and attend 4 hours + of class in one day (especially if I plan on doing that daily).
Bear with me here: I know many (most?) people would just say to blow it off, that it’s just a dream, and who cares as it has no bearing on real life. But – and I’m really opening myself up to criticism here perhaps (in this neck of the
woods internet) – in the past I have had realistic-ish dreams like this one that have, well … somewhat come true. Not perfectly true, not all the details, just similar situations that were a little too close for comfort. Like, dreaming I was in a car accident and then it happened (although not the same kind of accident, but it was the day after the dream), or dreaming about an awkward social situation that puts me in the spot and then surprise! class presentation is announced. Or dreaming about someone I haven’t seen in years and then I run into them at school later that day. I have plenty of other examples too, that I won’t get into because those are stories for another day and another blog.
My point is, I’m terrified of this one coming true. Or is it some kind of wake up call from my subconcious? Am I – or have I been – pushing myself too hard given the circumstances? Is there really such thing as a limit that is set in stone and no matter what I can’t overcome it? By writing about it here, did I somehow cancel it out and keep it from coming true (you know, like how they say that if you make a wish you shouldn’t tell because then it won’t come true. Ha, apparently I have the mindset of an eight year old right now)?
So many questions!
But I really hope this turns out to be nothing.